Sunday, September 23, 2012

Fifty Shades of WTF: The top 5 most unlikely candidates for the upcoming film adaptation

If you've even remotely paid attention to any of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie hype, you've seen that just about everyone under the sun has been rumored to either be interested in the movie or have been asked to perform in it. Ryan Gosling? He's been asked. Emma Watson? She's supposedly a likely candidate. My aunt's mother's second cousin's roommate's father? He's totally up for the role of Christian Grey.

Here's a listing of some of the more outlandish people that have been fingered as being involved, mentioned as likely candidates, or are interested in the movie in some form or fashion.


Selena Gomez. While it'd be a little awesome to see the white-washing of various book characters go in the opposite direction with the casting of a Hispanic actress, I just don't see her as being really right for the role. Maybe it's because she's too young. Maybe it's because she's too dominant. Either way, the rumor of her being Ana just seems really silly, but since Gomez has already shot down rumors of her being in the film I suppose we don't have to worry about this overly much.

Shia Lebouf. No. Just no. While Lebouf does seem to have the douchebag aspect of Christian Grey down, I can't see him being dominant enough to play Grey. Every time I imagine him trying to top someone, I just picture the other person getting irritated and turning him into a Shia sized floor mop.

Miley Cyrus. OK, so she's been listed on a website as being a likely candidate for the role of Anastasia Steele. I'm now picturing her as Ana to Shia's Christian. It's not a pleasant image and I'm currently wondering if I can self-lobotomize if I shove a pencil far enough up my nose. I know that Cyrus hasn't really acted up that much lately, but I just imagine her wandering around Grey's apartment stoned out of her gourd while Lebouf just sits in a corner and practices being the world's largest wet rag. Imagining them in the infamous tampon sex scene is a little warped because I keep seeing the roles switch around and having Cyrus remove Lebouf's tampon because she's just that much more masculine and dominant than he is. 

Justin Bieber. That's right folks, Justin Bieber. Depending on where you go, he's either up for an undisclosed role or he's been asked to play the role of Christian Grey himself. All jokes of him being more likely to play Ana aside, I'm finding it highly unlikely that the Biebs would be capable of playing a guy that's in his late 20s, unless he's supposed to be playing a teenaged Grey and that character doesn't entirely appear until book three. And yes, I think Bieber could kick Lebouf's butt.

Charlie Sheen. Somewhere, someone has said that he was in the running to play Grey, to which Sheen actually said that he wasn't interested. Sort of. I'm actually a little sad that this one is so obviously false, because it'd be kind of awesome if he was. The producers could put him and Cyrus together in the film and let them "do as they will", resulting in a drunken drug filled bacchanalia that would go down in history. They're already friends, so you wouldn't have to worry about them fighting on set. On a side note, I can see him being dominant enough to play Grey and if the movie was going to be a parody of the book,  Sheen would be their best bet by far. 

7 comments:

  1. Shia doesn't exactly have that "OMG he's SO beautiful and hot" factor that Grey is supposed to have either...

    I know it won't happen, but I'd just wet myself laughing if Pattinson and Stewart took the roles.

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  2. I have to admit that I'd watch it, just to see KStew playing Bella playing another character.

    The more I think about it, the more I want Charlie Sheen to do the movie. He can be all of the characters via the magic of split screen, special effects, and a fabulous wardrobe. It'd certainly make the sex scenes that much more interesting.

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  3. Oh my! I have read that Alexander Skarsgaard was up for Christian Grey as well... He can't do that! He's Eric :D

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  4. You know after seeing the cover of Glamour this week featuring a dolled up Emma Watson (I'm being polite in my discription) I can see her going after the Ana role to help break out of the "Hermione" stereotype. She's got generations of people who only know her as this good little girl and playing a "submissive" would give her a chance to show that she can do the "grown up" stuff in a way that is guaranteed to be seen by MILLIONS.

    If I were her agent, I'd recommend she go after the part, get the multi-movie contract and then retire.

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  5. Oh gosh, Shia as Christian Grey? I must say I agree with Naomi. He doesn't exactly exude the so-called sex appeal and whip-wielding dominant personality that forms part of the whole Christian Grey package. It would however, be completely hilarious to see Charlie Sheen in the role.

    Ha, you know who could see in the role though? Is Christian Bale. I blame it on the Batman movies, but I think this one would suit him quite well.

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  6. I almost included Emma Watson on this list, but I agree with Rob. I think that she might do it just to break out of her Hermoine stereotype in the same way that Daniel Radcliffe did so many roles ala Eqqus for the same reasons.

    I think Christian Bale might be good in the role and him and Watson would look really good together. In their own way I think it's just as unlikely, but then the more time that passes the less likely I think it is that the movie will really ever get made.

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  7. Bale's too smart. While 50 Shades may be the latest craze, and may get credit for "main streaming mummy porn/ BDSM" I don't see that the story (at least as much as I've read so far) is enough to really last through time as the kind of story to attach himself to. He could make bank and retire on it, but he can do that after Batman too. If he's clever he'll look for a similar project that has a quality plot.

    Ditto for Jason Gordon Levitt.

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